Can’t stop thinking about an ex

“Can you go back in time? 

To a place in your mind? 

To the one who knew

a part of you 

that you just couldn’t find.” 

Song lyrics from: And When She Danced: David Foster

Perhaps it’s a song on the radio or a specific place that triggers the memories. Maybe they come through crashing your dreams. The memories haunt you from the past, oftentimes at the most inconvenient time. Most of the time the memories are good and sweet, although sometimes they aren’t. You remember the connection we shared, the desire you felt, and you remember who you were when you were with them.

Reflecting back upon previous relationships offers a sense of security. You know how it unfolded and how it ended. There is no anxiety or fear of the unknown, nothing to decide or figure out, so it’s safe to travel back and spend some time remembering. 

It’s when the memories interfere in your current relationship that you need to take caution. Living in the past while in a current relationship can be dangerous and detrimental to your relationship today. 

Here are some questions to ask yourself when you find yourself caught in this loop of the past:

Are you remembering everything clearly? Offering a balanced perspective? We tend to romanticize events of the past and may only focus on the fun, positive side of the relationship and not the other, less than ideal side. What qualities did you NOT like about the person? How did they disappoint you? How did the relationship end? 

Are you using your past relationship as a benchmark for your current one? Comparing how things used to be to how they are now. Is there a situation in your current relationship you are avoiding addressing, choosing to fantasize as a way to escape rather than address the issue?

What did the relationship offer you that you are not receiving now? What need did it fulfill? Is it something that can be worked on? Are you communicating with your partner?

Is there an unresolved issue that you wish you could settle? Do you need an apology or need to apologize? Would it be safe to do so or would you feel at peace by writing an email you never send or having an imaginary conversation for resolution?

Is it worth losing your current partner over? How would they feel if they knew? Can you shift to remembering how you felt when you first met your current partner? How did they make you feel? Why did you choose them?

Memories of the past have a way of shaping your behavior in the present. It is important to be mindful of the message behind the memory in order to learn more about yourself. Use that information in order to shape a more fulfilling future. 

And since I began with one of my favorite song quotes, I’ll end with another.

'Cause I need some of that vagueness now

It's all come back too clearly

Yes, I loved you dearly

And if you're offering me diamonds and rust

I've already paid

Song lyrics from: Diamonds and Rust: Joan Baez